Joel Gilmore’s Home

This is a piece I wrote way back in first year, when a lecturer said the term “premature evaluation” with regards to computing. I cracked up (I know how Humpty feels) and wrote this. For this grand relaunching (the original is also available online here) I’ve updated it with more terms, a little rewording and some (arguably) better jokes. Math terms are bolded!

Are you tired of being without a cofactor? Do you find other numbers too complex? Feel like you’re not a whole number by yourself? Are you looking for that perfect number to be an integral part of your life? Never fear! They don’t have to be imaginary!

We here at Numeric Dating can help you find that special someone. We factor in all variables - even odd numbers can be happy! We have an infinite supply of numbers - your parameters are unbounded! But to help you differentiate between us and the competition, we have a whole series of happy customers:

“Men used to say I was too complex - but Numeric Dating found me my complex conjugate and together our love is real! Oh, and the absolute magnitude of it when we multiply is fantastic!”

“I was a lonely rockstar, but since my induction into Numeric Dating, now when I go clubbing I take e all the time. She’s transcendental! My life’s undergone exponential growth since Numeric Dating empowered me with her! She’s kinky too - loves using tables when we multiply!”

“My love life used to be dull - I seemed to just be turning in circles. Then Numeric Dating introduced me to Pi. He’s great! He just goes on and on - it seems like his stamina is never ending! But he’s not dull - he never repeats the same sequence twice! And he’s handsome - mainly ‘cos of his tan. It’s almost sinful, and I’m definitely angling for marriage! ”

“Thanks Numeric Dating! I’m a priest, and since you introduced me to the cardinal numbers, I haven’t been lonely since the first second I joined!”

There is no limit to our happy customers. We even offer three trials (zero committment!) as we strive two
give absolute value four our Number One - you!

And if you have problems with your six-life, we can help you find seventh-heaven for free! Our program can prevent premature evaluation or soft wares. If you’re unable to maintain an inflection, then our linear approximation means you’ll stay straight and true for your partner, until you sum. Anyone can be a lucky number! And for the women, lubrication is no problem with our new Euler method - you’ll want to do everything long hand after this!

Speaking of the ladies, we guarantee we can improve your contours, with maxima and minima in all the right places. Our customers all have significant figures, and you’ll be looking radial in no time!

We’ve helped binary pairs all across the number line, and we guarantee that when we map you onto and into your partner, your oscillations will go on longer and stronger.

But Numeric Dating can also help if you’re after more explicit functions. If you’re not partial to the ordinary differential equations, we can provide computer methods. And we can help if you don’t want just one-to-one relations. We can also
help if you prefer numbers of the same sign - nearly half our members are like you! Short term or protracted encounters, the choice is yours - we encompass everyone, circling the globe.

Numeric Dating is a sign of the times, and we feel we’ve struck a chord in the community. We hope to be a continuous service that won’t go off on a tangent, though we promise to be discrete. Our sphere of influence is growing - we now span three complex dimensions, with a fourth under construction, providing the basis for a good company.

So don’t be a square - call us now, and get a root.

Ring now! But don’t solve any 7th order polynomials - that’s right!
Do NOT solve any 7th order polynomials…